My place in the world

Far and between have I had a positive self-image about myself, so it’s quite rare that I thought of myself as the “bomb” in anything. As much as I enjoy compliments, I never was good at accepting them at face-value because of the lingering inner-voice whispering things along the lines of “If they only knew all your short-comings, they wouldn’t be complimenting.” Being the center of attention on days like my birthday makes me want to crawl into an invisible cave and not come out till someone more deserving of accolades helps people forget about me. It really, truly is a mystery that, despite this habitual tendency to downplay myself and try to avoid the spotlight the best I can (although I think I’m curious what it’s like), I strive for perfectionism as an imperfect being. I hope I don’t have to think about how this is possible because I think it’s a rare subject matter that’d make my head explode. But I digress.

Although it can seem like a recent incident has caused me trip over into this downward spiral that I can’t help but continue to fall even deeper into, I believe it’s the culmination of happenings in recent years that has led me to the point where I am at in life right now, and the recent incident only acted as a trigger to get my attention finally and cause me to stop and think about things seriously. The best way that I can think of to describe what I may be going through might be dubbed as either an identity crisis or a mid-life crisis (subjectivity reigns here, so the reader may have a different term for what I am attempting to describe).

What would you do if it turns out that you really don’t know anything about the things you thought you had some clue about? What would happen if the goals you were striving to achieve through the years become evident that they’re pipedreams because you never had what it would take to crystallize your dreams into reality? What would happen if you were violently awaken to the fact that the future you wanted never hadn’t even thought of considering becoming yours? What would happen? What would you do?

Despair has been my place of solitude for the last few days, and, despite being a pessimistic introvert, it’s been extremely cold and lonely even for my taste. A bulk of the dreams and goals, a majority of fantasies and hopes, a myriad longings and wishes I’ve kept close to my heart disappeared within moments and this side of eternity’s become a chore to persevere through. The things I thought I was decently okay at have become obvious to me that it’s a mystery that I even comprehend the topic at all, and it’s been revealed that it’s by a stroke of luck that I know the things I thought I knew. Out of everything that I thought I could claim as my own – as a part of me, none of them are mine. It feels like whatever little worth I ever had is gone, and I don’t matter anymore because I don’t have anything else to offer. The professional I saw myself being years down the road has become a stranger that would trigger a reaction that’d make me think, “Who in the world is that? Do I know him? If I’m supposed to, I don’t remember even meeting the person.”

All I ever wanted to be, and still yearn to be, is a blessing and light to others. I despise being an annoying nuisance to those that I am around, and I hate not having anything to give to enrich others and give them a reason to smile. Ever since I’ve lost my sense of being and belonging, my insides have been aching from not being able to be what I desire to be to others and their lives. It hurts so much that my eyes are about to give way the tears that are streaming from my heart and soul.
I don’t want to be without meaning, and I really don’t want to be worthless to others. If I can’t be a ray of the sun that pokes through the dark and rainy sky for people, at least let me be a breeze that’s part of the wind that parts the dark clouds to let the sun shine through. I want to belong to a group of people that I mesh well with, a place to belong where I have a seat. I yearn for a purpose that’s for me to fulfill which will keep me more than content, more than full, more than satisfied with life on this side of forever.
I want to be a blessing, a joy to others. I want to be, … I want to be …

I want to be. I want to belong. I want to be a blessing.

Favorite Song Of The Moment

I've decided to start a new blog as among the first phases of my life of service and ministry.
It will consist of tunes that my ears grant the title of being my favorite song of the moment, dubbed fsotm. It can be accessed via URL http://fsotm.blogspot.com/.

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to get the play controls working in Firefox, but it seems to work fine in Internet Explorer and Opera with the appropriate plugins. I'll have to pick up coding web pages to make headway with the mentioned issue - sorry for the inconvenience!
Please let me know if you know how I can get this to work on all available platforms!

Please enjoy, and share with others as you see fit; thanks!